The day I lost my mind.
Really this post should be called: The days I've lost my mind and my temper. But that's really long and not very catchy. I always risk a TLDR comment when I get a little too wordy.
In full honesty; I'm coming back to this post that I started months ago. It took sometime to "marinate" on my words and what I wanted to share. In protecting my ego I wanted to reserve some of the story. But there is no room for ego in the hearts of women who are chasing after the Lord. So I will begin.
It was a long day and it was only 8 am. Don't look at me that way, if you are a mom then you know of what I speak. We had too many errands and not enough time. My very strong willed son was pushing every single one of my buttons and his brother's too. I. was. done. I can't remember all the details but I've had enough of these days that they typically look like this:
Wake up, I didn't sleep well because (kids up at night, sick, menstrual cramps, worry, stress) and we were running late because (the 3 year old wouldn't get dressed, my eldest lolli-gagged, forgot homework, I'm sick, unexpected something occurred), the house was a mess because (I hate house cleaning, the 3 year old destroyed it, too many commitments).......you get the picture. Do you feel the anxiety? I'm typing this and I can feel my heart beat quickening. Like a kettle on the stove that you forgot you had on because your kid pooped his pants:
I screamed. I screamed at everyone. Everyone started crying.
Those are not my finest moments. So far from it. The sadness and guilt I feel after are often overwhelming. Through in my sweet first born's tearful confrontation with me, my heart was broken because I had broken his heart.
"You dumped my love bucket Mom, you straight kicked my Love bucket out and I have no more love in it."
I had drained my son of his joy and love because my bucket was empty too.
How many times have we let busyness, frustration, ungratefulness, worry, over commitments and fear drain our bucket. We let the illusion of control suck us dry. Comparison rob us of joy and selfishness dry up our hearts. When our bucket is empty our only reaction can be anger and frustration.
Hear me on this: I'm not saying you have to be a perfect mom. Nope. You will never hear that from me. The moral is this: fill your bucket so you can pour into your children's. Anger is a symptom of a empty bucket. And the last time I checked anger is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit.
I will probably still loose it one of these days. But it's on my radar now. When I start to feel frustration, anxiety and anger, it's time to check my heart. Time to fill my bucket. Getting into the word, praying, finding people to speak life into you and working out. You all know the to fill back up. The issue is that when we let our spiritual selves go we tend to go toward what "feels right" and what feels right is to wallow in my anger feeling justified in why I should feel angry.
In full honesty; I'm coming back to this post that I started months ago. It took sometime to "marinate" on my words and what I wanted to share. In protecting my ego I wanted to reserve some of the story. But there is no room for ego in the hearts of women who are chasing after the Lord. So I will begin.
It was a long day and it was only 8 am. Don't look at me that way, if you are a mom then you know of what I speak. We had too many errands and not enough time. My very strong willed son was pushing every single one of my buttons and his brother's too. I. was. done. I can't remember all the details but I've had enough of these days that they typically look like this:
Wake up, I didn't sleep well because (kids up at night, sick, menstrual cramps, worry, stress) and we were running late because (the 3 year old wouldn't get dressed, my eldest lolli-gagged, forgot homework, I'm sick, unexpected something occurred), the house was a mess because (I hate house cleaning, the 3 year old destroyed it, too many commitments).......you get the picture. Do you feel the anxiety? I'm typing this and I can feel my heart beat quickening. Like a kettle on the stove that you forgot you had on because your kid pooped his pants:
I screamed. I screamed at everyone. Everyone started crying.
Those are not my finest moments. So far from it. The sadness and guilt I feel after are often overwhelming. Through in my sweet first born's tearful confrontation with me, my heart was broken because I had broken his heart.
"You dumped my love bucket Mom, you straight kicked my Love bucket out and I have no more love in it."
I had drained my son of his joy and love because my bucket was empty too.
How many times have we let busyness, frustration, ungratefulness, worry, over commitments and fear drain our bucket. We let the illusion of control suck us dry. Comparison rob us of joy and selfishness dry up our hearts. When our bucket is empty our only reaction can be anger and frustration.
Hear me on this: I'm not saying you have to be a perfect mom. Nope. You will never hear that from me. The moral is this: fill your bucket so you can pour into your children's. Anger is a symptom of a empty bucket. And the last time I checked anger is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit.
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However anger doesn't produce righteousness. Ultimately as God fearing moms this is what we are aiming to cultivate in our children's heart and ours. We can feel anger and that's ok but more often than not we sin in our anger by yelling or demeaning our children. We can feel angry but we need to choose to respond to our children like Christ continually responds to us. I love this verse from 1st James Verse 19 & 20
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger doesn't produce the righteousness that God desires."
I hope that this encourages you today. To fill your bucket, to love your children well and to bring glory to God in Mommin. To repent when anger overtakes you and to continue to strive toward becoming more like Jesus. To make small choices based on what Jesus tells us instead of how we feel.
Always,
M.
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